It’s that time of year: the time for giving and receiving gifts, for spreading joy and happiness to friends and family. For spending time with loved ones, eating a bunch of crap that will affect your waistline, and for the inevitable family feuds that will be quelled just in time for dinner. Maybe you’ll make it to the theater for a new film, or just stay in an play that new video game someone purchased for you. The possibilities are endless, but this list is not.
It took me a few days to figure out what I wanted to throw together for #Listmas2014, and I decided to go the comical route. Reader, I know that you have had a year (or maybe years) where you have a clueless family member who buys you a terrible gift. You’ll laugh, you’ll smile, you’ll pretend like it’s amazing, but you secretly can’t wait to re-gift it or return it to get something more desirable. Secret Santas and other holiday induced gift-giving nonsensical events can result in piles of crap you’ll never use and you never wanted, but it’s the thought that counts right? Maybe. It depends if you got one of these terrible gifts! So without further ado, here are 5 terrible Xmas gifts that I hope you don’t receive this holiday season!
You know it, and you hate it. Some of you might actually enjoy this “treat” but I personally can’t stand the stuff. Typically made with canned fruit that just doesn’t taste right after it’s been added to the flavorless cake, and if it’s being shipped to you it’s probably going to be a fruity brick by the time you dig into it. Some relative of yours who is normally a great cook/baker will insist that they make a great fruitcake. Be warned: there is no saving this disaster of dessert choices. If your dog won’t eat it, why should you?
2. Christmas Sweaters
We’ve all received one of these from a clueless relative that doesn’t have the first clue what we like. They haven’t taken the time to get to know you, your interests, and likely don’t give a shit. They just buy the first crappy gift that presents itself and wrap that bad boy up and send it to you. Thankfully, there are two modern applications that can save the ugly christmas sweater from being the worst gift in the world. For one, it has become semi-fashionable to have more modern adaptations of the famous Christmas sweater, with funny slogans or pictures on them that might appeal to your inner nerd. For two, the Ugly Sweater party is now a thing, and the requirement for entry is — you guessed it — an ugly sweater. So when Aunt Shirley from Connecticut sends you this ugly pile of threads, save it to get into that party later on. Perhaps you’ll get laid and can thank Shirley (though you probably should leave out the getting laid part).
3. A Video Game (or anything really) that you already own
Growing up with divorced parents, I had the good and bad that comes with it. The good is that I had two Christmases every year, but the bad was that sometimes that meant getting repeated gifts. Sometimes receipts get thrown away, or at the very least you have your own disappointment that carries over to them. There’s nothing worse than opening a gift and realizing it’s something you opened elsewhere already, and then you have to explain that, etc. etc. In the case of not being able to return it, you have two copies of one thing. Maybe you can re-gift or sell it, but it sort of defeats the point for everyone involved. So for all of you gift buyers out there, try to coordinate with your family so you don’t all buy the same shit for your loved ones! Communication! That is all.
Touted as “the gift that keeps on giving,” this isn’t a gift that anyone wants to receive at any point in the year, least of all the holidays. I would also hope it’s not something you’re getting from a family member, but that’s none of my business. You should really put some salve on that. Something.
5. A Reservation for a Spot in Heaven.
Yes, this is really a thing. For the low low price of $12.79 + $2.00 shipping, you can get the complete Essential Travel Kit, which includes:
This exclusive package contains all the necessary materials to ensure your reservation.
- Official Reserve-a-Spot-in-Heaven reservation certificate.
- Official Reserve-a-Spot-in-Heaven identification card
- Our informational guide to help you navigate your way. No GPS required here!
- Our 100% money back guarantee if your reservation is not accepted.
Alright so I’ve said it before, I’m an Atheist so I don’t believe in any of this shit anyway. But seriously? There’s a company out there just scamming you for $15 to give you a couple of pieces of paper, and maybe peace of mind (if you’re an idiot)? For a novelty or gag-gift, ok, but they seem to be pretty “official” about all of this, even giving a money back guarantee if your reservation is not accepted (for which there can never be proof, so they could have just left that off). Anyway, I’d be offended by receiving this gift, but the sad thing is that this is a gift that people will buy for others, and someone will be super happy to get it. The perfect scam for all your religious friends. I honestly don’t see believers being duped by this, but I applaud the evil genius who thought it up. I wonder how they’re spending their Xmas earnings?
So there you have it. 5 Terrible Xmas Gifts. Hopefully you don’t give or receive any of the above. But Merry Christmas anyway 🙂